New Years Eve Check List - 2005
Below is a list of things one may want to have in check before braving the scene wherever you are headed this evening...
1. Cash - Take just enough for you and a friend, leaving your credit cards at home. This will prevent you from running up some monstrous bill when you find yourself standing naked with your underwear on fire atop your head and trying to buy the entire bar shots at 12:01am.
2. Local Cab Telephone # - Face it, you can barely drive on one of your better days. Don’t muck shit up by swimming in a vat of scotch and then trying to play Mario Andretti in your Hyundai. Also, this may protect you, in some small sort, from the likes of every other hop-head who is too stupid to call for a taxi. You can watch them play bumper cars from the comfortable back seat of your safely chauffeured ride. These ethanol fueled speed-freaks will be easy to spot, just look for the police, fire squads, ambulance crews, the blood, and body bags.
3. Clean Pair of Underwear – Tuck some fresh drawers in your effects just in case. You never know when you could loose total bowel control and shart yourself. This could be embarrassing, and you never want to try and pick up that hottie at the bar with the back end of your breeches full-up to the belt line. A fresh pair of whitey tighties are paramount.
4. Local Bail Bondsman Telephone # - Remember, shit can get ugly pretty fast on a night like tonight, and you may just end up in the County Hilton, and once you’re checked in, Bubba, you may be in a while, and believe me, you'll get no help from the concierge handing you a list of numbers. Also, phone your attorney ahead today before going out and let them know that he/she needs to stay relatively sharp this weekend, because they may need to clear your good name of felony charges come Monday morning.
5. Drugs – Any amount of any kind. You can trade them at the bar for Screaming Nazi shots all night long when you run out of cash. Also, you may need to barter when you get locked up, so a healthy amount of illicit drugs carefully hidden in your anus will be a huge bargaining chip when you arrive at the hoosegow. Good dope can be traded for perhaps a lost bondsman’s phone number, cigarettes, or protection from the ape that’s been eyeing your posterior the whole time you’ve shared a cell. So, fine drugs are a must.
6. Tin Foil Hat – You never know when you may slip up on a whiskey binge and dig out those pills you’ve been carefully hiding in your ass and eat a handful. You’ll need the foil to keep the alien transmissions from gnawing away at what little brain function you have left.
7. Personal ID Information – Once again, things can slip out of hand quickly when you are partying at warp speed, and you will need this information on you so the proper authorities can identify your body after you have been kidnapped, forcibly sodomized, and tortured by the handful of thugs that took your leering homosexual glances the wrong way after that 5th of tequila you pounded down.
8. After Party Refreshments – So you make it back home alive, it was a “no harm, no foul” sort of night, no felony charges against you, and you feel like getting a little closer to the animal that lays deep down inside, you’ll need plenty of champagne, liquor, and absinthe to keep the party rolling until the break of dawn.
9. Condoms – It wouldn’t be a righteous close to another year of life without some consensual trick-fucking with a complete stranger, and rubbers will keep you from giving your partner whatever you have accumulated over your numerous years of slumming with the degenerate low-life scum you have grown fondly of bedding down with. And look, you’ve been hiding those little 6’s on your forehead with your hairline for years, but you ain’t foolin’ no one, Bubba, you are not the breeding type. Condoms could end up playing an important role in preventing Armageddon.
10. Breath Care Products – Remember, church starts promptly at 9am tomorrow morning and you wouldn’t want to be late to beg for forgiveness for your evil ways this past year, and clean breath is a must. You can’t sit on the back row, smelling like you got hit by a Budweiser truck even if they are having a wine tasting at your local Synagogue. You’ll need to start taming the breath before bed, using mouth wash, an entire tube of tooth paste, mints, and finally chewing gum, but remember to take the gum out of your mouth before going to sleep, or you may just end up meeting The Big Guy mano a mano, and it seems far easier to just drop by his house once a week instead of a face to face meeting.
1. Cash - Take just enough for you and a friend, leaving your credit cards at home. This will prevent you from running up some monstrous bill when you find yourself standing naked with your underwear on fire atop your head and trying to buy the entire bar shots at 12:01am.
2. Local Cab Telephone # - Face it, you can barely drive on one of your better days. Don’t muck shit up by swimming in a vat of scotch and then trying to play Mario Andretti in your Hyundai. Also, this may protect you, in some small sort, from the likes of every other hop-head who is too stupid to call for a taxi. You can watch them play bumper cars from the comfortable back seat of your safely chauffeured ride. These ethanol fueled speed-freaks will be easy to spot, just look for the police, fire squads, ambulance crews, the blood, and body bags.
3. Clean Pair of Underwear – Tuck some fresh drawers in your effects just in case. You never know when you could loose total bowel control and shart yourself. This could be embarrassing, and you never want to try and pick up that hottie at the bar with the back end of your breeches full-up to the belt line. A fresh pair of whitey tighties are paramount.
4. Local Bail Bondsman Telephone # - Remember, shit can get ugly pretty fast on a night like tonight, and you may just end up in the County Hilton, and once you’re checked in, Bubba, you may be in a while, and believe me, you'll get no help from the concierge handing you a list of numbers. Also, phone your attorney ahead today before going out and let them know that he/she needs to stay relatively sharp this weekend, because they may need to clear your good name of felony charges come Monday morning.
5. Drugs – Any amount of any kind. You can trade them at the bar for Screaming Nazi shots all night long when you run out of cash. Also, you may need to barter when you get locked up, so a healthy amount of illicit drugs carefully hidden in your anus will be a huge bargaining chip when you arrive at the hoosegow. Good dope can be traded for perhaps a lost bondsman’s phone number, cigarettes, or protection from the ape that’s been eyeing your posterior the whole time you’ve shared a cell. So, fine drugs are a must.
6. Tin Foil Hat – You never know when you may slip up on a whiskey binge and dig out those pills you’ve been carefully hiding in your ass and eat a handful. You’ll need the foil to keep the alien transmissions from gnawing away at what little brain function you have left.
7. Personal ID Information – Once again, things can slip out of hand quickly when you are partying at warp speed, and you will need this information on you so the proper authorities can identify your body after you have been kidnapped, forcibly sodomized, and tortured by the handful of thugs that took your leering homosexual glances the wrong way after that 5th of tequila you pounded down.
8. After Party Refreshments – So you make it back home alive, it was a “no harm, no foul” sort of night, no felony charges against you, and you feel like getting a little closer to the animal that lays deep down inside, you’ll need plenty of champagne, liquor, and absinthe to keep the party rolling until the break of dawn.
9. Condoms – It wouldn’t be a righteous close to another year of life without some consensual trick-fucking with a complete stranger, and rubbers will keep you from giving your partner whatever you have accumulated over your numerous years of slumming with the degenerate low-life scum you have grown fondly of bedding down with. And look, you’ve been hiding those little 6’s on your forehead with your hairline for years, but you ain’t foolin’ no one, Bubba, you are not the breeding type. Condoms could end up playing an important role in preventing Armageddon.
10. Breath Care Products – Remember, church starts promptly at 9am tomorrow morning and you wouldn’t want to be late to beg for forgiveness for your evil ways this past year, and clean breath is a must. You can’t sit on the back row, smelling like you got hit by a Budweiser truck even if they are having a wine tasting at your local Synagogue. You’ll need to start taming the breath before bed, using mouth wash, an entire tube of tooth paste, mints, and finally chewing gum, but remember to take the gum out of your mouth before going to sleep, or you may just end up meeting The Big Guy mano a mano, and it seems far easier to just drop by his house once a week instead of a face to face meeting.
posted by Martini Bassman at 2:44 PM
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